This is hard

Welps. Here we are.

This is where I stopped writing a year ago. I couldn’t write about this then, and apparently I still can’t write about this now. 

I had an entire post written up in my mind talking about 

Yeah, I can’t write it.

There’s a block. Something that stops me from fully admitting to myself and everyone around me that I am, and have always been, a mess. Not a mess in the classic sense of not being able to hold down a job or keep relationships, but a mess in a more internal and fundamental way. A mess in the sense that something within me is broken.

Well, technically, it isn’t really broken. It’s fine as far as I’m concerned. It makes some things harder. It’s harder to fit in and find spaces where I can be myself, and it’s nearly impossible to meet expectations — and by expectations I mean what people expect to get when they see me. 

I am, at my core, a misfit.

I don’t fit.

There are neat boxes in society. Girl. Boy. Gay. Straight. I fit into none of them. I stare at the check boxes and none of them look like something that really fits.  I have a uterus, boobs; when people see me, they scream, “girl!” I guess girl works. After all, the boxes are about where other people would put me, not about where I would put myself. If I had to put myself in a box, it would be a giant box made of all the other boxes. I would circle all the boxes and write “yes” next to it. 

This has been something I always knew, but not something I could articulate. And I guess I still can’t. But in the 10 years from 2010 to 2020, I at least started feeling like there was a place for me, even if it was an imperfect place that still wasn’t really made for me. 

But at least the boxes were replaced with sliders.



BTW, there's nothing particularly risque about the Jenyer video; it's just that kpop is squeamish about actual queer people.

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